On the move

She was not even twelve when she saw her mom kissing Sudhin uncle. They were all traveling to Chandigarh to meet her father; when she woke up in the morning on the train with sleepy eyes, the first thing she wanted to know was how far was Chandigarh; she bent down from the upper berth, saw her mom kissing Mr Dasgupta, occupying the middle berth. Babu, her brother, five, was sleeping then with her mom on the lower berth…little did he know what his mom was doing...he was perhaps dreaming his usual dreams, fairy godmother that looked like her mom, hugging him, feeding him, kissing him.

This stays with her even today. She called her mom names, never understood why still her father was committed to her! Years later, she saw her father on the high, making it with her aunt out in the garden in a moonlit night. Her mom was then cooking in the kitchen. She just heard her aunt say… ‘O so now I know…that’s why didi had to go to him?’

She never discussed this with Babu, not even after her mom died. But these questions about how elders live went deep inside her, she was thankful to God that at least Babu didn’t have to witness those incidents. Two years later, when she was beginning to enjoy her teens, the whole family went to Digha with Mr and Mrs Dasgupta. On the beach Mr Dasgupta took her to a silent place, held her tightly and tried to molest her. Furious, she went to her parents and complained, her father hit the man badly, but that was all, the teenage girl didn't know why the two families did not part. Of course, she never spoke to the virile uncle anymore.

Sutonuka, instead of becoming a potential criminal, as a psychiatrist told her, became a healer. No, she did not find any letter in any cupboard, no one told her why her parents did what they did, she went searching for answers everywhere possible, she discovered Mrs Dasgupta to be a very honorable lady, her aunt’s husband to be happy with the marriage, and she herself was very happy when ‘others’ saw their family as picture perfect.  Perhaps not knowing the truth is bliss.

She was sixteen when her mom died. In the last couple of years, she became best of friends with her. She understood her not only as an erudite who would be comfortable talking about scriptures as well as novels and poems of Tagore, Bankim, Shakespeare, Flaubert, Camus and so on, but also as an outstanding mother. When she'd laugh the sky would fall in love with the earth. If people still remembered her, it was also because of her melodious laughter that had a healing effect on people. She refused to let her mother be defined by only that one incident... this wisdom came to her much later.

At forty-two, she has a broken marriage. Apparently she broke off because her husband was impotent. She works in IT and still takes care of her ex-husband by paying all his bills. He lost his job because he was charged of stealing and was also an under-performer. She stays with her daughter now who has decided not to marry and Sutonuka is okay with it, her ex-husband lives in another city where luckily he has a house of his own. Her daughter simply adores her, doesn’t respect her father at all… why not, respect has to be earned.

She also has another profession…it’s not a profession because she doesn’t charge anything, it is rather her passion, she calls it her raison d’être!

She heals traumatized children. Children whose parents had either abandoned them, or whose parents continuously fight with each other. She heals also those whose either parent has outrageous extra-marital affair. She is doing it quite successfully. How no one knows. She hugs them and says only one thing… shh… mum’s the word… she says “I am indebted to all of you.”

She tries to look for the unanswered questions even today, seemed to have responded to some of them herself, through her life. Whenever she closes her eyes, or becomes unmindful, she has this impression of being on the move, going nowhere on a train.

The new orphanage

‘Tell me why you feel this way.’

 ‘I wish I could tell you. They are so caring. I have two sets of parents now.’

 ‘So?’

 ‘I’m in class V now. I am quite grown up. I need to understand the marriage of my parents has broken for good. I cannot expect them to be friends again.’

 ‘But they are friends Kanta…you know that.’

 ‘O yes, I am sorry… I didn’t mean that; I know they are best of friends (curling up to the Teddy her parents gifted her when she was sent for playschool, she refused to leave her mom…her parents were in love with each other then).’

 ‘So? You have understood, you not only have two sets of parents, you have two homes, and one brother. I don’t understand what more you want. Once the marriage is broken it’s broken, you expect your parents to waste their lives and stay fighting with each other?’

 ‘Masi (aunty) why’s he my half-brother? Is it because he also comes from a broken marriage?’

 ‘How funny!’ (Her aunt smiles, but takes Kanta on her lap…didn’t know why she felt the pain of her mother’s death when she was her age when her aunt hugged her to tell her she’d be there for her.
She hugged Kanta. The Teddy lied on the bed looking at them.

The homeless

She has a beautiful garden with a huge iron gate. It is surrounded by tall walls with well-maintained ivy; but the two guardians that give her paradise a characteristic look are the red and the yellow flamboyant trees. Sujata knows that whatever happens, the trees will never go; this has given her a sense of stability, like that of her parents; the red one is ‘baba’, the yellow is ‘ma’ for her; there are other trees also in her garden but none could match those two parental trees. She comes from a very erudite family, her father a learned industrialist, her mother an acclaimed singer. She is twelve and being the single child, she is always taken care of, if not pampered.

Today she is going to another home, she has two homes now, her mother’s second husband is also very kind; her mom got married a year ago, when she was eleven, but today her father is bringing his second wife too. Sujata is twice lucky; now she has two homes and two sets of parents, two half-siblings. She has consoled herself saying her parents have one life to live. The only difference is that Sujata now has to stay with her mom for five days; of course she can spend the week-ends in her father’s house. All of this was decided by whom she doesn’t know until she came to know from her parents that it was her own decision.

When she hugged the trees before leaving, she found her hands still so little.

Life skills

"What? Are you crazy? I will never allow my wife to work. Women should be best kept at home."

Everybody was nodding their heads in approval. Except Kalyan.

"You must be out of your mind Rajesh. Do you know the organization you are working in has more of women workforce than men?"

"Ah Kalyan… all these things I know, but you don’t understand," snapped Rajesh. Phani added, "Aha Kalyan...why are so negative?"

Rajesh is the manager. The boss. So in corporate, you are not supposed to backchat..any crap they say you have to accept, otherwise you are doomed.Everybody was stunned with Kalyan’s comment…this ‘everybody’ was laughing 'at' Kalyan because they had to laugh 'with' VT Rajesh; in this there were Srikanth, Phani, Suresh, Faisal; also Ahalya, Susmitha, Suchitra; they were all looking condescendingly at Kalyan.

But the bad apple Kalyan was unaffected, he goes on… "Rajesh…the other day you were saying you don’t like AR Rehman…can you tell us why…"

Rajesh was furious, but managers do not show their anger, they become all the more polite, most politely they will throw you out, but they will never be rude you know…they cannot violate the culture of their ‘race’ you see.

He smiles and says…"yes Kalyan I can never support him because he changed his religion."

"How can you say such a thing Rajesh? Changing his religion is his personal choice. In such a learning organization, how can you keep saying these things."

Kalyan has picked up fights of this nature with many faceless, spineless managers. He also has another glaring fault. He doesn't speak English like his managers. He had been asking for a laptop for his two-day assignment in Bangalore, a very important client was coming and he had to do a presentation; but his manager said no, he declined to go writing a mail like this:

"I think I have explained this earlier in simple English that it is difficult to make a client presentation without a laptop..."Of course he wrote this because of a mild irritation BUT "explained this earlier in simple English?!"; how dare he such a thing! This was considered a violation of "respect for individuals"... he was summoned by the HR and there was this manager's manager called Lakshmi who found the tone of the email very offensive and perhaps the rudest of mails she has ever read. It seemed every other person, Kalyan's managers, his peers were picking up and jotting down issues against Kalyan. However, it was this same organization which gave him a promotion in three months, his skill was considered at P4, the highest anyone could get in his domain; this was a point of discord between him and his once-upon-a-time manager Asif. There were other irking points too, Kalyan's clients always wanted him and no one else because he has never failed in his SLA (Service level agreement) and because of his vast experience and qualification, which included a degree from abroad,  his salary was too high. This he heard from none other than Lakshmi over coffee breaks, 'Your salary is very high Kalyan and we need to use you enough' Kalyan maintained this P4 status following rigorous interviews from native speakers. Whatever said and done organizations are magicians.

Outcome.

Kalyan’s salary was high. His performance was poor. He might be an M.Phil in German, but he cannot form correct sentences with correct syntax. He went through a PIP (Performance Improvement Program) where his lack of language skills is recorded and documented. Everyone in his team was dissatisfied with his behavior, he was considered rude and unkind. He has been charged with sexual harassment by Ahalya and Susmitha.

His attrition was managed, almost like Socrates, Jesus, Joan of Arc.

Years later, Kalyan meets one of his former employees Faisal.

“Kalyan, you were good, but you don’t have life skills. Now these things are not taught you know.”

No reservations

Kalyan is a daydreamer. But he also has these nightmares every single night: he cannot get on the train that’s going somewhere he needs to go to rejoin his office. Every passenger in the train is known to him…hey come on, it’s a dream… it’s not real, but here is how it goes…

"How did you get on this train Jaffar and Harish? You made me drink last night and orchestrated a video so you can blackmail me? And you are going to impart training on ‘Integrity’? No, no why are you looking so kindly at me…I know you are faking it… you are people who only lie with good English. What is it… you are trying to give me a hand so I can get on the train? With you? I will not…let me try the other coach….

You Loveleen and Disha!!! You two are here!!! You’d scare me with your looks…do you remember?? Whenever I would work in my cubicle, you would just eye me…keep on eyeing me with a ‘we will screw you soon’ glare… and I would sweat out of fear…you have also got permission to be on this train? You were scared because I could take your subjects but you could never ever take mine… so you teamed up with Jyoti who was also upset with me because I remembered the names of the participants of my class? Do you remember?? And you are going there to train participants on interpersonal skills?? And now why are you looking so kindly huh? Loveleen… your child Tejas didn’t come on my lap and the whole group thought he didn’t because I was a bad person…and you made it seem so right…but no…here through meditation I come to know that the little boy didn’t come to me because he was receiving negative vibrations from all of you… for now…there are children who come to me, talk to me, love me… and no…I am NOT falling prey to your ploy again…and good lord…who am I seeing…SIN… Subhesh, Indrani and Nishant…my God…I have reasons to run from here too… you ruined my life with a click of a button… when you were alone you were good human beings, but when you came together as managers, you became sinful… don’t give me your hand…I will try to find a place somewhere else…

O Sanghamitra!!!! You have also managed a seat here?? How many times have you insulted me saying I have joined to ruin your career…but lo you ruined mine… I was senior to you…eighteen years… as if that was a crime huh? Never allowed me for client presentation because you were owning the process…and Vivek? You must change your name…that’s the least I can say about you… shame on you…a dirty climber… made me translate like a donkey…. millions of words… all machine translation…and then found faults… and who am I seeing here... is that you Suma??? You are also here!!! You had a problem with my qualification...so you were threatened… not only that… you hated me because I found your faults… yes in French dear…do you remember… you’d write ‘a fin de’… and not ‘afin de’… and there were scores of other faux pas… you guys have also got permission to be on this train…let me try some other coach..

But where do I go? I see all of you occupying every seat...including mine! Waving at me? Going places? I also have to go...I have a family to feed too, besides I have a valid ticket here… and I am dead sure most of you don’t… you will manage your seat from the TT thanks to your interpersonal skills; but please don’t fake your kindness… you’d been not so kind when you had the chance… okay go… take care…all the best. I cannot run anymore... I have to sleep."

Beethoven's Pastoral is playing in the background. There is also this intimidating Denver who's singing away 'take me home'. Why are they looking so kind and happy? Are they faking it? Are they happy because they are on the train or is it because Kalyan is not!

The train whistles. Kalyan, wet with pain, wakes up in the middle of the night. He goes to the kitchen, silently has water. He visualizes how ‘everybody’ has been trying to tell him what he was not… a monster, a black sheep, a bad apple…and what not. He goes to his desk and writes:

My body is not a garbage.

It is a garden.

Ah! Writing is such a relief, he takes a deep breath and smiles. Indeed the 'body' is not a garbage...to be filled with thoughts that only bring diseases and miseries; it is a garden that needs to be guarded and protected. No matter what, he will not be defined by the ‘other’ going forward; he has every reason to destroy himself, but no, he decides to face life; he will do things that he holds as good. He cannot control the world outside , but he can definitely control himself, his body, his mind and his spirit, most of all, his thoughts. The little Tejas cried looking at him; never mind, it was not his fault, neither was it Kalyan’s, but he was holding himself as a devil because of this for a long time; the whole group would have at that moment thought of him as a criminal.

But can Loveleen be blamed, can any characters here be blamed… we have made the world a stage of competition… going berserk because of this win-lose model, where one has to win at the cost of others. They were all trying to gain their own positions, as a winner... in this game, someone has to lose, dadi Janki so affectionately says...haar mani (accept defeat) brings harmony..someone has to lose; Kalyan, wide awake, comes to the balcony and looks at the sky, it looks black with the moon, blue with the sun; both are true or none is... if he was destined to be a loser, so be it, but he will not allow any negative thought poison his body, it is simply not worth it; no one is that important to ruin his sleep and his peace of mind…and there is no need to run away from anything. And in this trajectory towards understanding Self, he is not a loser.

He is sure the train will come again… he would simply let the train and the passengers go with no reservations.

On his headphone he listens to Beethoven's sixth symphony again in the dead of the night that's slowly breaking into a dawn.

Sorry?

On school counselor’s advice, Priya was expelled. She was 14 and had a physical relationship with her neighbor-uncle, a 50 year old bachelor. On the fateful night, when she returned home late, bruises all over her body, she found her parents fighting; that low-voice fighting behind closed doors pierced through the walls; how she hated it. Top notch managers of huge teams of diverse ethnic groups, Priya’s parents fought with time, to find some time; but whenever they did, they fought with each other.

When the furious parents discovered their child in such a pitiful state, they slapped her, hurled abuses at her, like they did at the slightest excuse they could find; but here was a new word added, slut. Priya seemed unwanted. The dark night also had to pass, the child didn’t have the right of a nightmare; she was staring at the walls, the ceiling, and the floor. Next morning, the parents took her to the best psychiatrist in town.

Listen we want her to be out of this trauma as soon as possible.
Okay, but what is the issue?
Please find out what’s wrong with her from her. Her school has thrown her out and we don’t know what to do! Day in and day out we are working for her, trying to give her the best of the best and this is how she is paying us back.
All right, don’t you worry at all; I will talk to her and get back to you.
Let her be admitted here until we come back in the evenings? And listen, we don’t want to hear all that ‘love me the most when I deserve it the least’, okay?
Sure, as you wish.

Priya and the psychiatrist spoke for two hours; decidedly, she was low and guilty; in between naps and favourite TV shows, Priya also played card games, like Solitaire, Hearts.
When the parents came back to fetch Priya, the psychiatrist, very affectionately, as though talking to some children, said to the parents:

Please take your daughter back. There’s nothing wrong with her, she doesn’t need counseling. I think both of you do. Let me know when. Also, if possible, may I talk to the counselor of the school?

Sorry?

Monologues

“Where have I been? Where am I? Fair daylight?

I am mightily abused. I should e'en die with pity,

To see another thus. I know not what to say.

I will not swear these are my hands: let's see;

I feel this pin prick. Would I were assured

Of my condition!”


After a long hiatus, Kalyan Dasgupta was re-reading King Lear; he suddenly remembered, quite out of context though, how horridly he had to struggle with his colleagues off and on.

‘What? Don’t be so desperate Kalyan! You are Dasgupta and you are saying you are a Brahmin! For Bongs, only Mukherjees, Bannerjees, Chatterjees are the main Brahmins, there are some others, but certainly not Dasgupta’, snapped Satish Bhardwaj. He was supported by Imran Zaidi who said Dasguptas were vaishyas. Was Imran trying to insult him by saying Vaishyas because according to the structure, Vaishyas came much lower than the Brahmins; do people still think in this way… even today? Why should he take it as an insult… prosperity thrives thanks to the Vaishyas for God’s sake! Kalyan kept simmering from inside…at their ignorance, he wanted to tell them they were Saraswat Brahmins, one of the most erudite of sects among the Brahmins; they belonged to the Vaidya (doctor) clan. As the legends go, they decided to dissect the corpse of humans many years ago in order to do an in-depth study of the human anatomy. They were obviously criticized as this was against the religion; Brahmins couldn’t touch dead bodies, let alone work with them! Therefore, they were disallowed. However, the ‘main brahimins’ said if Vaidyas were willing to lose their Brahmin status and became Shudras, they could. Since Vaidyas were determined and committed to their work, they agreed under the condition of re-elevating as Brahmins once the research was over. Unfortunately, they were not allowed to become Brahmins again. Vaidyas and Brahmins went into a battle for several years. Ultimately, truth triumphed and the Vaidyas got back their brahmanatya, and this time around they were considered even a notch higher than the mainstream Brahmins.

Taciturn that he was, Kalyan couldn’t argue with his colleagues, Satish and Imran. Satish was a hardcore Brahmin from Kerala Palakkad and Imran, a high class Muslim. Kalyan was not desperate proving himself as a Brahmin, but he was very dejected because no one was interested listening to his version. If you cannot make your point, you pay a heavy price; with him there were many such incidences.

The other day, there was this Loveleen who told Kalyan that she saw Tagore’s Devdas, and never liked it. Kalyan couldn't even suggest that she read Devdas, instead of watching it; he couldn’t even say that  Devdas was written by Sarat Chandra, not by Tagore because Loveleen, a gold medalist in English Literature was not interested to enter into any dialogue. There was also this TV Ramesh who told Kalyan he never liked Tagore because according to him Tagore was not a patriot. Kalyan was sufficiently well read to cut him down, but he couldn’t; the same colleague also said he never liked A R Rahman because he changed his religion; even then Kalyan couldn’t say a word. After all, how does it matter to Tagore and AR Rahman!

Are these relevant anymore, he thought. They seemed so trivial to him now. But he wished there was some kind of a dialogue. He felt sad for all his colleagues who made it a point to pounce on him for no reason at all. Or could there be a reason why they chose him as garbage until he disappeared from their sight for good?

How does it even matter now, but he was worried of other Kalyans suffocating inside muscled monologues of their colleagues as opposed to their meek monologues.

It seemed to him fighting as a child with friends for a stolen eraser. He found solace in reading, he sat around enjoying the lines of Lear:

“Pray, do not mock me:

I am a very foolish fond old man,

Fourscore and upward, not an hour more nor less;

And, to deal plainly,

I fear I am not in my perfect mind.

Methinks I should know you, and know this man;

Yet I am doubtful for I am mainly ignorant

What place this is; and all the skill I have

Remembers not these garments; nor I know not

Where I did lodge last night. Do not laugh at me;

For, as I am a man, I think this lady

To be my child Cordelia.

Pray, do not mock me.
I am a very foolish fond old man”


He stopped at Act IV with Kent’s exit:

“My point and period will be thoroughly wrought,
Or well or ill, as this day's battle's fought.”


He blessed all his colleagues from the bottom of his heart. He will read the last act another day. Perhaps.